Singing the blues and crying

I played a horrible show yesterday. Just me. Shyesha was great, charming and engaging. Even the audience was good. They seemed to have found a way to enjoy it inspite of my playing. We got compliments from people who didn't have to say anything.

So it was just me. And I feel horrible about it. There just weren't any melodies in my head. It was like I wasn't even there. No, it was like I was there. Often when I play I kind of go off to some other place. And that's a good thing. I don't get in my way. Occasionally, I'll look down at my hands on the keyboard and think, Well, look at that; that looks like fun, where did I come up with that? But it has nothing to do with me. It's coming from somewhere else. Yesterday, it didn't. It didn't come at all. I was just playing chords and they meant nothing to me.

I could blame it on the odd setup. They knew we wanted to use the piano, yet there it sat, so not on the stage. We ended up rolling the piano next to the stage with Shyesha sitting on the edge of the stage to my left. In a way it might have been an intimate setting but the harsh light and stark straight rows of chairs facing us detracted from that. I didn't feel the casualness I'd hoped for.

And it was an ambience-free afternoon show.

And the piano was very non-responsive. It was like playing an electric Casio.

But I won't blame any of that. It's my job to be ready for anything.

The worse part is how it sticks with me. It put me in an off mood for the rest of the day. And even today, parts of solos that I attempted have popped into my head and made fun of me: Dude, you remember when you played that? Yeah, that sucked.

I feel like I wasted my time and everyone else's. I need another show soon to get this taste out of my mouth.